Proving

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Mount Roineabhal Summit Rock Essence

Proving



View NNE from Roineabhal. Photo © Gavin Shaw

This page details the proving symptoms recorded for the essence.

View NNE from Roineabhal to Uisgneabhal Mor and An Chisham. (Photo © Gavin Shaw)



Some initial 'proving' experiences of the rock's energy were provided by participants in the Mi'Kmaq sweatlodge returning ceremony, as described here by Alastair McIntosh:

"The sweat lodge is a bender covered in old carpets into which red hot stones are introduced and sprinkled with water. We sat in a circle inside, men, women and children, and went through 4 rounds of sweating. It was intensely hot even by local standards! I could hardly bear it and at one point had to do all in my power to resist jumping up and bursting out the door. On each round Lawrence would ask for prayers – for the land, the children, the men, the women, the creatures, etc. Between the hottest parts when lying out on the grass under the stars outside, I found myself entering a very clear and deep state of consciousness where it felt like I was able to enter and see right into the psyche of those I was holding in my mind at the time. I was able to see more clearly who they were, what my relationship is to them, and what their needs are. It gave me a deepened perspective on "prayer". The summit rock was passed from hand to hand during this praying. Various people spoke to the powerful "energy" that they said they felt from it. One native woman with a disabled little son said she had never before felt such a "comfortable" rock. At the end of the sweat, Lawrence quietly passed it to me and said that was it. The time of Mi'Kmaq sanctuary was over. For a short period I was again to be the mountain bearer."

The 3 dreams that Alastair experienced while in Nova Scotia were also relevant (see Summary).

Essence Proving

5 provers, all female, took part over a period from July to October 2005. 3 were in Scotland, 1 in the USA and 1 in Germany. Provers 2 to 5 did not know what they were proving. All provers started with a dose of 7 drops of the essence 3 times a day but with flexibility to vary that if desired. The target dosing period was 14 days. 2 provers (4 and 5) discontinued before the end of that period as they weren't comfortable with the symptoms they experienced. 2 (1 and 3) decided to continue beyond 14 days and were still taking occasional doses in mid October as these pages were being prepared. Any further symptoms and insights will consequently be added as they occur. Notes in brackets after each symptom indicate the prover number and the number of days since they took their first dose. Symptoms without day specifications occured as general symptoms over a period of time. Symptoms specified as 'Day xx' occured after the first 40 days.



 

MIND

ABUSE / DISCRIMINATION / PREJUDICE / EXPLOITATION

Old symptoms such as thinking too much about my children and _____ again. The difference seems to be accepting what really transpired with them. (03. Day 2)

I keep thinking about how I must change my perspective to attract a loving family. I fear I don't have the DNA to make that happen. That all the abuse has beaten down that gene that attracts like to like, instead of attracting abusers to me and my life. (03. Day 2)

My neck aches like crazy. I haven't had this situation for many months as chiropractor relieved that blockage supposedly. As I ask myself why the neck aches I get a picture of the mom who raised me shaking me hard when I was a newborn. I have never had this thought before except to wonder if she had abused me physically. (03. Day 2)

At early dinner with _____ last night, I listened for a long time about his problems with jealous, controlling hubby and wife team he hired for his documentary. He gave involved explanation of why he hasn't fired them. So much like me – being way too patient with folk who abuse him. (03. Day 2)

This remedy could work on the abusive nature in humans. It could change the way we treat ourselves, our lives, others and the planet. (03. Day 2)

I do seem to be relating to old stuff in a different way. How? Well, realizing it is old stuff and thinking about how I need to move on from it all. And realizing my way of holding on to stuff until I felt more healed may have stymied my healing process and maybe not. (03. Day 15)

Feeling like an outsider – not amongst the normal range of everyday delusions. Well outside, even by my standards. Slight paranoia – people in shops, etc, seem unfriendly and react instantly and badly to me for no apparent reason. With a shock realise this is what racial discrimination feels like, and most likely on a good day at that. (01. Day 2)

Journey to England via London. Delays because of late planes and signalling failures outside Waterloo. Tube network closed because of terrorist alerts. Police at airport with machine guns. Again, instant unpleasant reactions from people I had to deal with like ticket office staff. Huge police operation in London. Totally over the top tactics – use of guns, tear gas, etc. They shot a man dead on Stockwell tube station. Can't help but think they've got the wrong man. This is going to justify them just shooting anyone they're suspicious about. Dreadful feelings about what's going on in this country. The stories don't match up with the reality. Can't people see that? It's so clear, so obvious. (01. Day 3 – July 21)

Went out to my father's usual restaurant. We were given the same table at which, about 20 years previously, my sister-in-law had let fly at me because I'd said an ex-boyfriend of mine was a back-door man. (The reason she let fly was that he'd called at her back-door, though I'd forgotten that and hadn't been thinking of her when I said it, and she didn't know I knew.) Ominous feeling about sitting at this table. When we got home, my brother phoned out of the blue and was quite unusually judgemental, interpreting everything I said as deliberate contrariness. Marvelling at his closed-minded prejudice but also hurt. Felt very unjustly discriminated against, like a shadow of how I'd felt 20-odd years before. (01. Day 16) See dream

Went to movie with friend. Movie about Africa fishing town and how villagers don't make profit but white men in planes from Russia buy fish for pennies and sell it for mucho dinero. Not fair. (03. Day 5)

Reading about agribusiness's treatment of farmers in Africa brought up enormous waves of anger, passion, sympathy. I want to go out there NOW and help. It's so unfair! (01. Day 19)

There is much to say about Hurricane Katrina disaster. Much. It hurts me because it reminds me of how fortunate I was to be living in VT where being a person of color has less of a sleaze factor than being here or in New Orleans. New York is a very racist city these days. The racism is so smooth it is almost invisible. Eerie. (03. Day 27)

Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)

Eldest daughter's father phoned and screamed abuse at me. I seem to have mutated from the mother-that-could-do-no-wrong into the worst-mother-in-the-universe. Shaken, but far less so than I've been in the past. It's so obvious it's his stuff. Livid at the caricatured and two-dimensional way he portrayed daughter's behaviour. He wasn't even interested in her side of the story, or mine. Put the phone down on him. We don't have to put up with this. (01. Day 33) [This repeated for the following 3 months every full moon.]

No longer content to let daughter fight her own battles at school. It's not fair that she's been branded a trouble-maker and dismissed when her points are perfectly valid and deserve consideration. She needs an advocate. Arrange meeting with the school. (01. Day xx)

Furious and grief-striken about the abuse meted out to peoples conquered and colonised by the British. If I identified myself in having a white and British skin the shame would be unbearable. Feels like if my heart swells any bigger it will burst. Furious too about the abuse suffered by ordinary people, by children, from those in positions of authority. An overwhelming sympathy for Joe Village (ie. the common man). Incredulity that anyone could become so stuffed with hubris as to imagine they're better than anyone else. Then look around me and feel very out of step with the rest of the western world. It's hopeless. There's just so much of it out there. (01. Day xx)

The deference I had for people in positions of authority has evaporated. Completely. Just gone. We're all equal in the eyes of the universe. Relating more to people on that level – feels so much more clear and authentic. (01. Day xx)

OUTDOORS / SUNSHINE / NATURE / HEALTH

Needing fresh air at night, must have the windows open. (01)

I am at the [library] now but brought wrong plug-in adapter so it is clear I am not supposed to transcribe here today. I could leave now and go to work where I have an adapter, but where it is dark and windowless. Or I could stay here by the huge sunny windows in a very clean academic environment that I love. I am needing to be in a very lighted area today for at least wee while. (03. Day 2)

Later on weather turns beautiful and spend the day on the beach. Want sun, sun, sun. Just to soak it up. Want to be tanned and physically fit. Very unusual. (01. Day 10)

Focusing on write-up of lecture I attended on organic farming before going on holiday. It seems so clear we have to pay attention to the soil. No amount of superficial top-dressing can remedy a soil that's lost its integrity. Get the soil right and everything else will follow. (01. Day 20)

I have an extremely uncharacteristic desire to get exercising, out in the sunshine, swimming, eating optimally, detoxing and looking after this body better. Normally it takes care of itself very well and I don't pay it an awful lot of heed, but this seems to fit with all the rest of the stuff about looking after the soil. (01. Day 22)

Spending every opportunity I can these last few days outside in the sun. It's like all my cells are craving exposure to sunlight. Also my skin is tanning much more readily than it has in recent years. (01. Days 32-38)

Floods in Mumbai kill 500 – greatest monsoon floods in 100 years. A tornado rips through Birmingham destroying many homes. The IRA announce the conflict is over. Feeling generally cynical and quite hopeless. Cross about it too. The world is in such a dreadful state. It's overwhelming; just too much to overturn. (01. Day 10)

Easy journey home. Looking out of the train windows at the passing scenery of the southeast. Every sight of nature barely clinging on to wasteland in the shape of a few scattered primary colonisers makes me feel sad, angry, full of hate for humankind. Every sight of an expanse of water helps me breathe freely again. (01. Day 17)

The sight of anything that speaks of man's degradation of the environment makes me feel deeply unpleasant, almost physically sick, while anything natural is comfortable, comforting, or evokes enormous waves of sympathy and emotion. (01. Day 19)

I am VERY missing Vermont today. Just an ache like I have not had for years. I want to smell my homeland. I want to see the Vermont green trees and vistas. I miss farmland and the lifestyle something fierce today. (03. Day 25)

PSYCHIC / CLARITY OF PERCEPTION

From Alastair McIntosh's experience in the sweatlodge with the summit rock:
I found myself entering a very clear and deep state of consciousness where it felt like I was able to enter and see right into the psyche of those I was holding in my mind at the time. I was able to see more clearly who they were, what my relationship is to them, and what their needs are. It gave me a deepened perspective on "prayer".

First dose [...] There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high. (01. Day 1)

Journey to England via London. Delays because of late planes and signalling failures outside Waterloo. Tube network closed because of terrorist alerts. Police at airport with machine guns. Again, instant unpleasant reactions from people I had to deal with like ticket office staff. Huge police operation in London. Totally over the top tactics – use of guns, tear gas, etc. They shot a man dead on Stockwell tube station. Can't help but think they've got the wrong man. This is going to justify them just shooting anyone they're suspicious about. Dreadful feelings about what's going on in this country. The stories don't match up with the reality. Can't people see that? It's so clear, so obvious. (01. Day 3 – July 21)

Discussion with Aunt about the week's events in London. Everything seems so clear – the panic and confusion of the authorities under pressure to 'do something' dramatic and demonstrative about the terrorist threat, the spin and deception in the stories so as to appear 'in control'. The ease with which events constellate into the most superficial and inconsistent of interpretations. (01. Day 5)

Went out to my father's usual restaurant. We were given the same table at which, about 20 years previously, my sister-in-law had let fly at me because I'd said an ex-boyfriend of mine was a back-door man. (The reason she let fly was that he'd called at her back-door, though I'd forgotten that and hadn't been thinking of her when I said it, and she didn't know I knew.) Ominous feeling about sitting at this table. When we got home, my brother phoned out of the blue and was quite unusually judgemental, interpreting everything I said as deliberate contrariness. Marvelling at his closed-minded prejudice but also hurt. Felt very unjustly discriminated against, like a shadow of how I'd felt 20-odd years before. (01. Day 16) See dream

Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together again. (01. Day 36)

The deference I had for people in positions of authority has evaporated. Completely. Just gone. We're all equal in the eyes of the universe. Relating more to people on that level – feels so much more clear and authentic. (01. Day xx)

From someone prescribed the essence while the proving was still going on:
I felt as if i could see past things after taking the remedy ie. look at things from a higher place rather than be bogged down and oppressed [...] My energy is lifting and I feel much more positive and back in the world.

BODY PERCEPTIONS

Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose – (I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms. (Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched, and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing". [As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day 1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie Dogma which I'd been given to watch during the proving. This is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]

Seem to be piling on the fat, despite the fact that I didn't seem to weigh as much as I thought I did at the start of the holiday. (01. Day 19)

Throughout the proving, my perception of my body weight has varied enormously. Almost like I can't get a proper fix on it. One minute I think I look way fatter than normal. The next I think I look fine. I don't think my weight has actually fluctuated that much, though I don't possess any scales to measure it. (01)

CONFLICT / OPPOSING POLARITIES

Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)

Progressively increasing desire to be healthy. Take the kids swimming again, resolving to swim regularly once we get home. Yet also enjoying all the alcohol and rich food on holiday. Feeling the polarity – very pulled in both directions. (01. Day 12)

Enormous internal conflict viewing the lives of others. The strong desire to have a comfortable materialistic life of ease versus a more ecologically sound and wholesome way of life. (01. Day 15)

My dreams since taking the essence have been very traumatic. War zones, danger, threat, conflict, military, police. No storylines, just endless successions of brief snatches of situations that seems to depict man at odds with himself or nature. I don't seem to have a role ... mostly I'm just caught up in the situations by being in that place at that time. (01. Day 19)

It's almost as if the entirety of the dilemma of human progress vs global ecological sustainability were slugging it out in my head. I don't think I have ever felt so conflicted, so pulled in opposing directions simultaneously. (01. Day 20)

Have become progressively almost obsessed with ex-partner's progress. I really want to see him screw up again in all the ways he did when we were together. This hasn't been a feature before – I've just been happy and relieved to have left that all behind. Don't like it at all – it's almost downright malicious – but can't seem to stop it. Two hints this week that my suspicions are valid. Am all but cackling and jigging for joy while another part of me is appalled and furious that I should feel that way. (01. Day 28) [This disappeared after the proving finished.]

Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together again. (01. Day 36)

Lying awake contemplating these dream images saw a very clear and distinct yin-yang symbol revolving clockwise, just going round and round and round and round. It's about holding both polarities while they revolve and not being caught by either. (01. Day 38)

DUTY / WILL

I'm focusing too much on what I want to do instead of doing what I should do. (02. Day 12)

A lot of difficulty in pushing myself to do the things that are more a matter of duty than where the passion lies. Most noticeable where others are concerned. Unusual. Normally scrupulously conscientious about these things, particularly where others are concerned. Now I say I'll do something for someone and it doesn't even stick in my head 5 minutes. (01. Day 21)

AGGRESSION

Increased aggressiveness, when asked unnecessary things. (02. Day 3)

In the afternoon bout of anger ... volcano-like. I get very loud. (02. Day 9)

I was even more obstinate, decisive in many views, even more prone to defend my position in a very domineering way. And sometimes feeling even more helpless. No new symptoms, but exaggerating existing signs. (02)

Karma Police by Radiohead takes on a sudden magnetic attraction. Even download the words. Particularly attracted by the line “this is what you get when you mess with us”. Can feel a feistier me emerging and I like it! (01. Day 2)

Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)

DEPRESSION / HELPLESSNESS / HOPELESSNESS

Essence arrived today at three thirty. Took first dosage at that time. Felt slight nausea. Felt deep seated family-related depression. (03. Day 1)

Morning, 6.45am, a feeling of helplessness. (02. Day 8)

Floods in Mumbai kill 500 – greatest monsoon floods in 100 years. A tornado rips through Birmingham destroying many homes. The IRA announce the conflict is over. Feeling generally cynical and quite hopeless. Cross about it too. The world is in such a dreadful state. It's overwhelming; just too much to overturn. (01. Day 10)

Furious and grief-striken about the abuse meted out to peoples conquered and colonised by the British. If I identified myself in having a white and British skin the shame would be unbearable. Feels like if my heart swells any bigger it will burst. Furious too about the abuse suffered by ordinary people, by children, from those in positions of authority. An overwhelming sympathy for Joe Village (ie. the common man). Incredulity that anyone could become so stuffed with hubris as to imagine they're better than anyone else. Then look around me and feel very out of step with the rest of the western world. It's hopeless. There's just so much of it out there. (01. Day xx)

DYSLEXIA / INCOORDINATION

First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain. Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open Word to make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high. Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly. (01. Day 1) See note

More prone to typos, mistakes in writing. (02. Day 8)

Dyslexia back with a vengeance – transposing letters, missing them out etc. (05. Day 3)

Making many more mistakes than normal in typing – constantly transposing letters. Also having to look up the spelling of words which I never normally need to do. (01. Day 2) [This continued throughout proving]

Continually tripping over words, making spoonerisms or just substituting initial consonants for incorrect ones. The children are forever picking me up on it. Sound as if I'm drunk sometimes. (01)

Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion, while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend reversed for both. (01. Day xx)

The tripping over words has progressed. Now, as well as all the other things, I'm putting whole words in the wrong order, as in "the freezing wheel is steering" instead of "the steering wheel is freezing". (01. Day xx)

DISTRACTION / FORGETFULNESS / FRAGMENTATION

Had to remind self to take the essence. (05. Day 2)

Very unusual: in the evening I can't remember if I took the essence at noon or not. In the afternoon I didn't know where I had left the telephone – had to search the house for it. Very unusual. Not like me, such a weakness of memory. (02. Day 5)

I am at the [library] now but brought wrong plug-in adapter so it is clear I am not supposed to transcribe here today. (03. Day 2)

I felt badly about my account because it did not seem substantive enough. I realize now my number of projects were intensified during that fifteen day span [...] I mean I was a whirlwind of beading/sewing/cleaning/going about town activities during those fifteen days. I barely had time to write an email about anything. (03. Day 27)

Went into town with daughter to buy birthday presents. Nearly a disaster when I discovered I'd left my father's car keys in a shop somewhere. We'd visited so many. But recovered them fine from the flower shop. Somehow knew it would be OK. (01. Day 7)

Guest at hotel had been waiting all week for an opportunity to talk to me about my work and we finally arranged it for this evening. But he got distracted putting his children to bed and never reappeared. (01. Day 11)

My memory is appalling. Nothing is staying in. Not only that, but being reminded of something sometimes fails to bring it back and I could swear blind I'd never had the experience. Then after a while a vague hint of it returns and eventually I get a cloudy recollection. It's like I can't put the pieces together properly. Never had that before. Quite disturbing. It feels like I'm losing bits of my life. But keep thinking of Castaneda and don Juan saying a man of knowledge should have no history. (01. Day 19)

Continually putting food on to cook and promptly forgetting all about it until I smell it burning. I think I've burnt more pans during this proving than in the rest of my life put together. I seem to have lost the ability to multi-task. The children think I'm going senile. (01)

In waking realms wonder whether what I'm gradually moving into is like an Anhalonium state – where all personal history and relationship to the hologram loses its familiarity and dissolves into a motley collection of unrecognisable disconnected molecules. (01. Day 23)

Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together again. (01. Day 36)

There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence. They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They all have their own rythyms which are both regular and irregular at the same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01. Day xx)

OBSTRUCTION / DELAY

Rain. On setting off for [destination], discover rainwater had got into security control unit (via the aerial) for father's car meaning electronic locking wouldn't work and the ignition inhibitor wouldn't release. Took it apart and dried it but no joy so called AA. They arrived very quickly and just dried it some more and it was fine. Seemed like a strong message: persevere, you're on the right track. (01. Day 6)

Went to the university library. Not one of the books I selected from the catalogue was where it should be on the shelves. On top of that, left my purse somewhere while searching. Again a strong sense that it would turn out OK. Went down to reception to discover someone had handed it in. Everything was as it should be, even the cash. On the way home hit every single red light it was possible to hit. Wondering am I meant to be doing this research after all, or whether it's just that the university library is a dead end? (01. Day 30)

Turn up for committee meeting and find I'm half an hour late. Realise we'd discussed the earlier time at the last meeting but I never changed it in my diary. Very unusual. (01. Day xx)

Turn up for another (different) committee meeting and find I'm half an hour late again. I'm sure I didn't know about this one being earlier than normal. (01. Day xx)

Something definitely going on with the traffic. I seem to be blocked, slowed down, people cutting in all the time. (05. Day 3)

The big theme with travel and this proving seems to be obstruction and delay. It's been far more common to find my way continually frustrated by slow-moving lorries, tractors, red lights, etc. Far more so than usual. Yet on other occasions, the journey can be extraordinarily smooth and easy. It's almost like I'm being shown the way to go and not to go. (01)

EUPHORIA

The energy is just building and building. A state of grace. Shot through over and over ... Keats’ ‘everything that reminds me of her goes through me like a spear’. The synchronicities are just so blatant. Research Bhrighde's myths and find so many connections it almost defies belief. One Irish myth says everything she touches increases in quantity and quality. Remember the petrol coming back from Govan – how that whole tankful took me about 60 miles more than normal. (01. Day 26)

Periods now of total bliss, luxuriating in my life for what it is. I don't think I have ever felt so truly happy and content. (01. Day xx)

MISCELLANEOUS

When I first took this essence it hit me so hard at almost a cellular level. (03. Day 2)

Feeling very grounded and wanting to help around the house (after first dose). (04. Day 1)

First dose [...] What a substance for stilling the mind! I could just sit here and meditate! Listening to choral music (Britten) is delightful. Really savouring every note, every voice, but most especially the high voices. The purer the better. They are like a caress in my brain. (01. Day 1) See note

Realise I have given up wearing my watch. Not really a conscious decision – at some stage I just stopped putting it on in the morning. Didn't want it on my wrist any more. It didn't feel right. Also started wearing earrings again. Not every day, but much more than I have for a good while now. Even toying with the idea of getting my ears pierced in a few more places. (01, Day 25)

I am continuing with the essence and it's rough, but in a very good getting down to basics way [...] The different thing about this essence's effect is it tears into and down my carefully compartmentalized emotional boxes that I constructed to shelter myself from the actual pain of my life and situation. (03. Day 27)

From someone prescribed the essence while the proving was still going on:
It has an aversion to Milk Thistle, my intuition told me to stop taking it on Saturday morning, before the essence actually arrived, when I did bring it to my room later that night I had to move the milk thistle away – it was fine with my other homeopathic, herbal and vitamins. Also a strong aversion to metal, it doesn't want me to even touch anything metal, like steel or aluminium (my gold ring and silver earrings are okay).

top Proving index


DREAMS

A dream of Roineabhal. Managed to catch one thing. Which is that there are 66 synonyms for the word venom. (01. Day -15)

No dreams since being on essence. (02. Day 17)

Had a disturbed sleep, but really can't recall any dreams. Felt I was very busy looking for things though. (05. Day 2)

Dreams: Many. Similar themes. Fleeting. Can't catch them. Sense of disquiet about them. (01. Day 1)

Can't catch dreams again, but they seem to be becoming ever more unpleasant. Full of conflict. Left with a feeling of discomfort and sense of things not being right. (01. Day 8)

Very dark, I seemed to be on a mission that was very dark, dangerous. I had to find something, but wasn't clear about what it was. At night, lots of dark cobbled winding streets. I was in a car, aware of being chased, people looking for me, or the thing/mission I was on and had to find it first. Then I was in a house with lots of people, food, rooms etc. Not a good atmosphere. Again a sense of threat and foreboding. (05. Day 4)

I am involved in trying to spring some charismatic folk hero by the name of Joe Village from a jail somewhere. Except my role keeps changing. First I'm trying to get him out single-handed through the corridors in the jail but it looks pretty hopeless as there are guards everywhere. Then another prisoner creates a diversion by shouting that he's seen him scaling the walls and all the guards rush off outside. That opens up a whole new world of possibilities – I realise I don't have to stick to the corridors or do it all alone. Then it becomes a movie set and I'm watching the actors rather than being part of it. Joe Village has a girlfriend but she's inadvertently frustrating his escape because she just wants to be with him and isn't aware of what's going on. She's wearing a kind of suit/uniform, so she might even be one of the guards. Then I'm in the girlfriend's body which is very strange because it isn't my body so I'm just laughing at the strangeness of the experience and pointing out all the funny things about her body that are different to mine but in all that I lose sight of the escape attempt. (01. Day -12)

In my dream I was at your house (you had 2 daughters, about 9 and 12 yo) and we talked about all sorts of things. I had been impressed by the video on your website. We washed up some dishes. Then you led me to a drawer to watch a certain movie (I had to kneel down to be able to watch it). You said it would take about 10 minutes, initiation included. I watched the movie (don't know what it was all about). After the movie was over I had 2 sorts of initiation wounds: 2 long parallel cuts above my left biceps (blue colour, like tattoo colour rubbed in), closed by 2 stitches. 1 mark above my throat, like a blue small tattoo, looked like a foot-print. I knew an Indian medicine man had been there doing it (a Pawnee?? Iroquois?? In any case one of those with the hair standing up in the middle of the head and the sides shaved). The wounds didn't hurt. (02. Day -6)

On a luxury holiday in the Caribbean with someone famous and their entourage. Not sure how I got to be with them and I feel I don't belong, but they seem be treating me like I'm one of them. I'm really enjoying the lifestyle and what comes with it like being given all sorts of things because I'm with them. They are to go to a recording studio the next weekend and I am going to be singing too. (01. Day 3)

Speaking to people who pretend not to hear because it's not what they want or expect to hear so they can't deal with it. We don't fit the boxes. (01. Day 4)

Going on a bus through UK community of people from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Highly tense, threatening atmosphere. Man shoots right at me from outside the bus and the bullet glances off the glass right beside the left side of my head which was leaning on the window. Then the man gets on the bus. Everyone gets off to meet community members. It turns into a welcome, but they think I'm someone else. Someone they were waiting to meet. The bus is commandeered by troops and we're stranded. It doesn't feel safe to remain there, and we're wondering how to get out. One of the women in the party comes by in a pink 1950s Cadillac and we get in with her. Mood changes to a wild party which seems totally incongruous with the circumstances. (01. Day 12)

Asked by local minister to write and deliver a sermon in church. Don't really want to do this – I'm not a church-goer – but do it because I feel I ought to. Turn up to find the church in complete darkness though evidently still full of people. Try to find my way by crawling along the floor. Bump into someone's feet. Suddenly overcome by crushing tiredness so curl up there and go to sleep in a blanket. (01. Day 12)

I'm late for a plant seminar. I turn up at 2pm when it should have been 9am. Everyone is drawing plants. Very upset at missing so much – crying with frustration as I try to find out what we're supposed to be doing. Going round the building trying to find plants to draw and why and what it should be while aware it's all apparently my mistake in not reading the leaflet properly, etc. Eventually settle on a vetch to draw. (01. Day 12)

Series of brief cameos, as has been the tendency of late. Travelling in Egypt in bus driving at typical breakneck speed over badly pot-holed roads. The bus swerves to such an extent it is as if the whole vehicle is twisting and flexing. Then walking in Middle Eastern city streets, seeing English tourists behaving like louts. Deeply ashamed. Apologise to local people. Something about a man with big dogs. On a diving expedition, swimming in seawater canals between houses and gardens. There is a sinister oppressive military presence. Notice my skin is painted in camouflage colouration. Eavesdrop on a British military commander who is an albino with a chillingly cold demeanour telling Bosnian troops that they are our last resort to join Britain as allies against North Korea. (01. Day 18) [The following day, former British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook died on top of a mountain in the northwest Highlands of Scotland. The day after that, Peter Jennings, American network news anchorman, also died. Both men were instrumental in exposing the horrors of the Bosnian genocide.]

Of coming back to house I grew up in with my kids as if we've just been away on holiday. I am going around the rooms putting stuff away back where it belongs. (Snatch) Of a woman in a sort of leotard/circus-type costume being made to stand on her head without her arms supporting her on a stone step by man who is controlling her. (01. Day 26)

Staying in New York with youngest daughter. It's time to leave to catch our plane soon and we haven't seen any of the sights. Take her to the Empire State Building but when we get there she's not interested in going to the top. Return to our hotel. There is a hold-up in progress at the hotel. Two staff members are bound and lying on the floor but it's quickly apparent they're with the robbers and it's an inside job. I still have to do everyone's packing. Go to the floor daughter was sleeping on in a dormitory for children. Her stuff is everywhere and I leave it to go and see if the man I came with is ready. Walk into the room and catch a glimpse of a woman in the bathroom. He has been with a prostitute. He's pretending nothing's untoward, but she comes out of the bathroom. We chat pleasantly, ignoring the man as an irrelevance, hug and arrange to meet again. By this time we've missed the plane. Not bothered – we can always catch a later one. (01. Day 27)

Trying to park the car on a hill road next to a wall with a big drop below. Ever so slightly bump into another car behind it. This car sets off down the hill and careens into a 3rd car which is already a wreck. The wrecked car flips over the wall and drops down into a field. It's now even more wrecked. I look over and see that there is a body of a woman in it. But she was dead already. A quandary – if I report this, nobody will believe me. They'll think I've killed the woman. (01. Day 28)

Contrasts. Rich and poor, skin diseases vs. stomach complaints, parents and children, genteel and uncouth. Some friends, interchangeable at some point with my parents, and daughter’s friends who included a scruffy anarchic character with no manners and continual demands who’s name was ‘Youngblood’. Ex-boyfriend arrives to stay at friends with a girlfriend, but wants to be back with me. He becomes interchangeable at some point with ex-partner. The asteroids in astrology – there are 5 important ones, one called something like Skglaar? (01. Day 38)

Of being somewhere with my brother and sister-in-law. They are both very hostile but aren't saying why. I ask them directly. My brother says that I didn't give him a fair rate of interest on the money I borrowed from him. My sister-in-law says I made their new puppy urinate on all the beds upstairs. Protest to brother that there's no way I wouldn't have given him a fair rate of interest while trying hard to remember when it was I borrowed money off him. Then realise I never did and this is all his projection. Same with sister-in-law. Even supposing it were possible to make a dog urinate on beds, I have never met their puppy. Patiently explain all this. Much to my surprise, they see that they made a mistake. Everyone is friends again. [This dream felt like a resolution of the bad feeling I'd had since the strange phone call with my brother.] (01. Day xx)

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VERTIGO

First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain. Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open MSWord to make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high. Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly. (01. Day 1) See note

[On taking essence] Made me feel dizzy. (02. Day 2)

9am: woozy sensation in head. (02. Day 7)

Occasionally bump into things or overbalance – coordination not so great. Not quite vertigo but almost. This has been throughout the proving. (01)

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HEAD

Occasional fleeting headaches one side or other of sagittal suture under parietal bone. (01. Day -7)

Persistent headaches 48 hours after drinking coffee if no more was taken in the meantime. Happened 3-4 times before I realised the connection. Then gave up coffee. (01)

Brain feels as if squeezed inside head. (05. Day 6)

Headache soon after taking each dose of essence. (04. Day 3-5)

First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain. Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open MSWord to make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high. Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly [...] Almost headache at the top of my head which, when I concentrate on it, seems to circle round the inner ear on each side. (01. Day 1) See note

Lean back in chair but can't get back of head comfortable. On sitting up, sensation in back of head where it touched the chair continues as a warm pleasant tingling long afterward. Skin across chest and arms now warm and tingling too. (01. Day 1)

The texture of my hair has changed in past two weeks. Dunno if it is because I have been rubbing essential oils into it or what. But it is a very nice change. It is smoother and softer feeling. (03. Day 16)

Hair has been greasier than normal for a while. Having to wash it more often. But pleased with the way it's looking just now. Seems to do what I want it to (unusual). (01. Day 38)

Scalp very itchy, particularly behind ears and at occiput. Got progressively worse over 4 days. The children had a dose of head-lice so thought it was that at first, but found none. Then discovered three or so eruptions like flea bites above my right ear. After that the more generalised itching diminished and the 'bites' disappeared after 24 hours. (01. Day xx)

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EYE

The shakiness of the room experienced earlier on seems to have moved from the room to my eyes. A feeling of slight tremor in the eyeballs – horizontal movement side to side – more pronounced and frequent in the left eye, though occasionally both. Worse for working a long time at the computer and when I'm tired. Stops when concentrating hard on a single focal point, so consequently have not been able to catch it in the mirror to see if the movement in the eyeball is visible. (01. Day 35) [Still continuing 6 weeks later.]

When very tired, eyes produce a slight cloudy mucousy thick discharge. They also feel gritty and are hard to keep open as a result. (01. Day xx)

Occasional itching of margins of eyelids, both upper and lower. Seems to occur at any time. The itching is quite 'sharp'. Have to scratch it right away. (01. Day xx)

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VISION

Interesting observation: till now always during the first seconds after taking the essence, there is a sensation as if the acuity of vision is much ameliorated (I'm short-sighted. -8.5 diopt.); especially the letters on the keyboards are sharper, more focused. (02. Day 4)

Noticing visual disturbances (since start of proving) – looking through windows gives the impression that the view outside is moving, mostly towards me. At other times the room appears to shake slightly. Almost as if the hologram were revealing its illusory nature. (01. Day 23)

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NOSE

Discharge from posterior nares much more profuse and thicker than during the last weeks. (02. Day 4)

Having to blow nose slightly more often than normal. Occasionally sneezy, almost like I was allergic to something, but can't pinpoint what. After getting out of the shower, nose runs so much it drips, but stops as soon as I'm out of the bathroom. (01)

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SMELL

After learning about this proving I went out and bought linen water for the first time, in lavender and in “linen” scent which just has a fresh clothes scent. I washed five loads of clothes adding the linen water to each load and sprinkled more on when ironing. I ironed everything so I could get more of the lavender scent into all of my washables, including exercise togs. I also visited the Lavender Harvest Festival this week. I feel it is part and parcel of beginning the essence proving process. (03. Day -7)

When I opened the essence I kept smelling it, something I've never done with an essence before. I LOVE the fragrance [...] I smell something other than blackberries. I just feel it is "deep" and "mysterious" and "dark" in a good way. (03. Day 1)

I am VERY missing Vermont today. Just an ache like I have not had for years. I want to smell my homeland. I want to see the Vermont green trees and vistas. I miss farmland and the lifestyle something fierce today. (03. Day 25)

Seem to be more generally sensitive to smells – more aware of them. (01. Day 14)

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FACE

Developed red spot under left eye. Very itchy. (05. Day 7)

Pimple on chin developed, right protuberance; painful to touch, but have to scratch it open. (02. Day 2)

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TEETH

Sensitivity of teeth (which are usually quite sensitive in areas of exposed dentine due to receding gums) has disappeared. Can brush them vigorously without discomfort. (01. Day 13 and after)

Sensitivity of teeth seems to have returned with a vengeance, worse than it ever was, but only on the right side. After 2 weeks, change brushing regime to start on the left rather than the right and sensitivity disappears again. (01. Day xx)

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THROAT

Catches in throat on waking and opening eyes. Like a momentary spasmodic constriction. This has been a feature for a week or so. Seems to happen in relation to the cat – as soon as I meet his eyes or become aware of his presence on the bed. Same thing used to happen with ex-partner towards end of relationship. Strange ... I'm not in the least uncomfortable with the cat being around! Wonder if this is linked to the runnier nose and occasional sneeziness. (01. Day 4)
[Interesting coincidence: We got a new kitten during the proving period. The cat wasn't too pleased at first. For several days he kept gagging like there was something stuck in his throat every time he saw the kitten.]

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EXTERNAL THROAT

Afternoon: right side of external throat painful to touch, (muscle: sternocleidomastoideus). No pains on turning head, just painful when I put my fingers on it. (02. Day 8)

My neck aches like crazy. I haven't had this situation for many months as chiropractor relieved that blockage supposedly. As I ask myself why the neck aches I get a picture of the mom who raised me shaking me hard when I was a newborn. I have never had this thought before except to wonder if she had abused me physically. (03. Day 2)

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STOMACH

Hardly drinking any water. (05. Day 4)

Essence arrived today at three thirty. Took first dosage at that time. Felt slight nausea. Felt deep seated family-related depression. (03. Day 1)

Morning dosage was at 9:30am. Did not experience noticeable nausea with this morning dosage, but now with 3:30pm dosage. Interesting that the very first dosage was at same time yesterday. I did this instinctively. (03. Day 2)

First dose [...] Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and slight tremor a bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending now to intestines. (01. Day 1) See note

Much more prone to hiccoughs than normal. (01. Day 23)

Part of the ebb and flow of this essence seems to be a constant alternation between a constipated/unconstipated state. The constipated state seems roughly coincidental with the ebb phase in general energies, though sometimes precedes or lags it slightly. Does not seem to be influenced by diet, though accompanied by loss of appetite. It's like my entire digestive system just shuts down. (01)

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ABDOMEN

First dose [...] Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and slight tremor a bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending now to intestines. [...] A kind of burning constriction round intestines, like the sensation is in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm, extending to back. (01. Day 1) See note

Developed very itchy red spots on right waist – looks like flea bites. Progressed round to belly button, then down right hip. (05. Day 6)

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RECTUM

Part of the ebb and flow of this essence seems to be a constant alternation between a constipated/unconstipated state. The constipated state seems roughly coincidental with the ebb phase in general energies, though sometimes precedes or lags it slightly. Does not seem to be influenced by diet, though accompanied by loss of appetite. It's like my entire digestive system just shuts down. General rectal stasis. Stools become impacted, large and very difficult to move. Straining doesn't seem to help much. Some fresh blood from anal fissures created by passing stool during constipated phases. Drinking a lot can help a little, but generally just have to wait for the phase to pass. When it does, stools immediately return to normal, bleeding ceases and fissures heal. Lasts 3-4 days at a time. (01)

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STOOL

Diarrhoea/very loose stool with gurgling in abdomen after eating fresh fish and potatoes. (02. Day 6)

[Constipated phase] Stools become impacted, large and very difficult to move. Straining doesn't seem to help much. Drinking a lot can help a little, but generally just have to wait for the phase to pass. When it does, stools immediately return to normal. Lasts 3-4 days at a time. (01)

Urine and faeces still very green. Faeces not surprising with all the salad I'm eating, but urine colour unusual. (01. Day 25)

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KIDNEY

Kidney discomfort while drinking (any liquid). (01. Day 3)

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BLADDER

Urination very variable. Sometimes it's normal – easy and quick – sometimes it's very slow and takes forever to empty my bladder. No discomfort or sensation of anything, but like there's an obstruction somewhere that's occluding the urethra. Doesn't appear to be any specific cycle or preciptating cause, but generally lasts about 1-3 days. Sometimes coincidental with constipation and general ebb in energies, sometimes not. (01)

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URINE

Urine and faeces still very green. Faeces not surprising with all the salad I'm eating, but urine colour unusual. (01. Day 25)

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FEMALE

My menses didn't appear during the last three days, which is VERY unusual. During the last year my menstrual cycle was a little bit shorter and more irregular (23-28 days) than during the decades before (always 27-28 days), but never longer. Today I'm on day 29 and nothing is to be felt or seen. (02. Day 14)

[Update one month later] Yesterday my menses started, exactly 8 weeks after the last one. So the essence suppressed the menses, but didn't shift the cycle, not even one day. And it seems every single drop was saved, ie. the amount of bleeding today is overwhelming (even more than normal, but no pains). (02. Day xx)

Menses started. 2 days late. It's been absolutely on the nail 28 days for a good year. Flow seems slightly more watery than normal, and slightly less than normal. Otherwise nothing of note. (01. Day 10)

Menses started. 29 day interval this time. Slightly reduced flow from normal levels. Again slightly watery. (01. Day 39)

Menses started. 30 day interval. This is the day after the last quarter of the Moon. Exactly the Moon phase on the day I was born. Flow characteristics same as last 2 months. (01. Day xx)

Menses started. 25 day interval. As I'm taking less and less of the essence it seems like my normal cycle is reasserting itself. Flow no longer watery and more profuse than normal, as if making up for the previous months' lack. (01. Day xx)

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SPEECH/VOICE

Continually tripping over words, making spoonerisms or just substituting initial consonants for incorrect ones. The children are forever picking me up on it. Sound as if I'm drunk sometimes. (01)

Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion, while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend reversed for both. (01. Day xx)

The tripping over words has progressed. Now, as well as all the other things, I'm putting whole words in the wrong order, as in "the freezing wheel is steering" instead of "the steering wheel is freezing". (01. Day xx)

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CHEST

First dose [...] Sense of weight on upper chest [...] Weight on upper chest is slowly descending. All of my upper body is starting to feel very heavy. Almost tipping forward onto keyboard. Weight is settling round heart. It's like the heart has suddenly become enervated so I can feel its mass and shape and presence. While there is this weight, there is a sense of opening, almost as if my chest is ripped apart at the sternum. An internal sense of sagging, as if the organs in my thorax are sagging into my abdomen. My shoulder muscles feel tired as if from overwork. [...] A kind of burning constriction round intestines, like the sensation is in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm, extending to back. [...] Momentary stabbing pain in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like? [...] Diaphragm tightly burning again. Are these sensations circling? (01. Day 1) See note

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HEART

First dose [...] Weight is settling round heart. It's like the heart has suddenly become enervated so I can feel its mass and shape and presence. While there is this weight, there is a sense of opening, almost as if my chest is ripped apart at the sternum [...] Head now clear. Pressure gone. Weight on upper chest and especially around heart remains. [...] Momentary stabbing pain in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like? [...] Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard to catch. Fleeting. The only constant is the weight around the heart. (01. Day 1) See note

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BACK

Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose – (I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms. (Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched, and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing". [As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day 1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie ‘Dogma’ which I'd been given to watch during the proving. This is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]

Decided to try the essence again. Again, my body assumed the posture immediately, except this time I had my wings! (05. Day 8)

First dose [...] My shoulder muscles feel tired as if from overwork [...] Burning in trapezius muscles [...] Very sensitive to touch. Running hand down any part of me sets up echoes down my spine that go up to the top of my head. (01. Day 1) See note

Weakness in lower lumbar region. Sensation as if back about to go into spasm, < bending. In fleeting waves that don't last or develop into anything. Occurs 2 days prior to going on high-level forest park adventure course and in brief snatches during that day. (01. Day xx)

Sensation of weakness and impending spasm in lumbar region of back again. Again in fleeting waves, < bending. Occurs during day of vote on the future of local group (on which I'd taken a position calling for a free vote), and 2 days after. (01. Day xx)

Skin of back is incredibly itchy. (01. Day 21)

Spots are forming on back, very itchy (though whole skin of back remains very itchy), almost like flea bites. I thought the itchiness was a reaction to sunburn at first, but these eruptions seem to be something else. (01. Day 23)

Spots on back are unbelievably itchy. Must scratch until I take the top off them. They seem to crust over afterwards. Scratching doesn't really help, and nothing else seems to make it any better. They're constantly itchy, but worse in the evening and night. (01. Day 25)

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EXTREMITIES

Feet and hands MUCH warmer than usual, during the entire day. (02. Day 3)

During jogging: thighs as heavy as lead, the weather being very damp. (02. Day 3)

Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose – (I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms. (Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched, and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing". [As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day 1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie Dogma which I'd been given to watch during the proving. This is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]

Decided to try the essence again. Again, my body assumed the posture immediately, except this time I had my wings! (05. Day 8)

First dose [...] Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly. Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it's in my fingers. Put them to my cheek to see if they're hot. I can feel cold at the interface, but I can't determine whether it's my fingers or my face that's cool [...] Arms becoming heavy, fingers feel as if they're swelling rapidly. Burning sensations sweeping through muscles here and there – upper left arm, diaphragm. Still no sensations below level of intestines. Feel top heavy. Now sensations return to top of head [...] Fingers still feel puffy (though don't look it). Stretching them out it feels as if the skin is being pulled too tight, especially round the tips and nails. Not a pleasant sensation. (01. Day 1) See note

Woke up to find red spots like flea bites all down the outside of right leg. Itchy. Lasted a day. (04. Day 3)

Small patch of psoriasis is developing on inside of left calf just above ankle. (I've had this before, but very rarely.) (01. Day 3)

Patch of psoriasis is now an oval of about an inch (2.5cm) diameter. It's never got this big before. Another small patch is forming on the outside of the left calf just below the knee. (01. Day 10) [Finally resolved after a month.]

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SLEEP

Last night I had severe difficulties to fall asleep – unusual; seemed to take hours. (02. Day 5)

Restless sleep – brain feels as if squeezed inside head. Got woken up and not able to drop off again. (05. Day 6)

Had a disturbed sleep, but really can't recall any dreams. (05. Day 2)

Woke at 6.21am for no apparent reason. Couldn't get back to sleep again afterwards. (01. Day 8)

Woke at 5.21am, again, for no obvious reason. Again, had enormous difficulty getting back to sleep. (01. Day 9)

Didn't wake at 4.21am, thank goodness! (01. Day 10)

Woken at 3.21am by someone walking around outside. Eventually got back to sleep around 6.30am. (01. Day 11)

Woken at 3.20am by TV in hotel room switching itself on. No idea how it did that. Something about virtual monsters in computer games. Succession of dreadful dreams followed [about being shot at by gunman – see DREAMS]. (01. Day 12)

Woken early by ‘flea’ bites on back itching continually. Couldn't see clock in the dark. Maybe about 5.30am. Hard to get back to sleep. (01. Day 35)

Woken by cat coming in and crane fly buzzing up and down window pane. Again didn't note time. Again found it hard getting back to sleep. (01. Day 36)

Woken again. Earlier than last 2 nights. This time by monstrous storm. High winds, mostly. Like the equinoctial gales already, but a month early. Wonder whether this waking 3 nights in a row is the same pattern as last month on holiday. Is almost exactly a lunar month. Moon phase is last quarter. (01. Day 37)

Increasing pattern of feeling very sleepy in the afternoon. Started out around 3pm and worked its way back to midday. Even getting up and going to make myself a drink doesn't help. Just falling asleep at my desk. Lasts about an hour or two, then I'm fine again. I do get this from time to time, but it's less intense, always at the same time (around 3pm) and always ameliorated by activity. (01. Day 27)

Pattern of intense afternoon sleepiness is back again, this time later on, around 5pm, but again working its way back to about 2pm over the course of several days. It's slightly less than a month since it last happened. (01. Day xx)

There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence. They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They all have their own rhythms which are both regular and irregular at the same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01. Day xx)

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SKIN

Small patch of psoriasis is developing on inside of left calf just above ankle. (I've had this before, but very rarely.) (01. Day 3)

Patch of psoriasis is now an oval of about an inch (2.5cm) diameter. It's never got this big before. Another small patch is forming on the outside of the left calf just below the knee. (01. Day 10) [Finally resolved after a month.]

Developed very itchy red spots on right waist – looks like flea bites. Progressed round to belly button, then down right hip. (05. Day 6)

Developed red spot under left eye. Very itchy. Still got the ‘flea’ bites. (05. Day 7)

Spots are forming on back, very itchy (though whole back remains very itchy), almost like flea bites. I thought the itchiness was a reaction to sunburn at first, but these eruptions seem to be something else. (01. Day 21)

Woke up to find red spots like flea bites all down the outside of right leg. Itchy. Lasted a day. (04. Day 3)

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GENERALITIES

First dose [...] Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard to catch. Fleeting. The only constant is the weight around the heart. (01. Day 1) See note

FOOD & DRINK

Persistent headaches 48 hours after drinking coffee if no more was taken in the meantime. Happened 3-4 times before I realised the connection. Then gave up coffee. Headaches did not recur. (01)

Completely gone off red wine (usual preferred drink). Effects very noticeable. Quite different to white wine. Just one glass is enough to make me feel very unpleasantly affected. Very attracted to white wine – almost a craving – but can't drink too much of it. 2 glasses is definitely the limit. Affects speech very quickly. Can hear myself slurring. (01)

Really enjoying healthy diet – eating muesli with all kinds of fruits and yoghurt for breakfast and salad for tea. Same every day for the last week. Feel more alert and alive. (01. Day 25)

PERIODICITY

There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence. They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They all have their own rhythms which are both regular and irregular at the same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01. Day xx)

TIREDNESS

Studio in disarray and I don't know how I can sleep. Just not enough energy at end of day to complete cleaning tasks. Working on producing more energy. (03. Day 15)

Energy is lower than it's been recently. (05. Day 2)

Knackered!! Cannot summon energy to do anything. Really feels like I did before holiday, even as extreme as many years ago when I had “yuppie flu” for months. (05. Day 4)

Increasing pattern of feeling very sleepy in the afternoon. Started out around 3pm and worked its way back to midday. Even getting up and going to make myself a drink doesn't help. Just falling asleep at my desk. Lasts about an hour or two, then I'm fine again. I do get this from time to time, but it's less intense, always at the same time (around 3pm) and always ameliorated by activity. (01. Day 27)

Pattern of intense afternoon sleepiness is back again, this time later on, around 5pm, but again working its way back to about 2pm over the course of several days. It's slightly less than a month since it last happened. (01. Day xx)

Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion, while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend reversed for both. (01. Day xx)

TEMPERATURE

When I started taking the essence, for the first 2-3 days I was very warm, in such a way that I thought: does my menopause start now. (02 Day 2-3)

First dose [...] Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly. Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it's in my fingers. Put them to my cheek to see if they're hot. I can feel cold at the interface, but I can't determine whether it's my fingers or my face that's cool. (01. Day 1) See note

The weather is much more autumnal and becoming colder, yet I'm still going around in vests and T-shirts with maybe just a thin cardigan. I seem to have become much warmer and better able to resist colder temperatures. (01)

TOUCH

First dose [...] Very sensitive to touch. Running hand down any part of me sets up echoes down my spine that go up to the top of my head. (01. Day 1) See note

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NOTE

Because the range of symptoms experienced within 20 minutes of the first dose covered so many body parts and systems, the account has been broken up into the sensations relevant to each section, rather that reproduce it in its entirety every time. The complete account showing the progression of sensations is as follows:

11.50pm: First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain. Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open Word to make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high. Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards through body, rapidly.

Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it’s in my fingers. Put them to my cheek to see if they’re hot. I can feel cold at the interface, but I can’t determine whether it’s my fingers or my face that’s cool.

Sense of weight on upper chest. Almost headache at the top of my head which, when I concentrate on it, seems to circle round the inner ear on each side. Weight on upper chest is slowly descending. All of my upper body is starting to feel very heavy. Almost tipping forward onto keyboard. Weight is settling round heart. It’s like the heart has suddenly become enervated so I can feel its mass and shape and presence. While there is this weight, there is a sense of opening, almost as if my chest is ripped apart at the sternum. An internal sense of sagging, as if the organs in my thorax are sagging into my abdomen. My shoulder muscles feel tired as if from overwork.

Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and slight tremor a bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending now to intestines.

Head now clear. Pressure gone. Weight on upper chest and especially around heart remains. Burning in trapezius muscles. A kind of burning constriction round intestines, like the sensation is in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm, extending to back.

Arms becoming heavy, fingers feel as if they’re swelling rapidly. Burning sensations sweeping through muscles here and there – upper left arm, diaphragm. Still no sensations below level of intestines. Feel top heavy. Now sensations return to top of head.

Lean back in chair but can’t get back of head comfortable. On sitting up, sensation in back of head where it touched the chair continues as a warm pleasant tingling long afterward. Skin across chest and arms now warm and tingling too.

What a substance for stilling the mind! I could just sit here and meditate! Listening to choral music (Britten) is delightful. Really savouring every note, every voice, but most especially the high voices. The purer the better. They are like a caress in my brain.

Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard to catch. Fleeting. The only constant is the weight around the heart. Fingers still feel puffy. Stretching them out it feels as if the skin is being pulled too tight, especially round the tips and nails. Not a pleasant sensation.

Very sensitive to touch. Running hand down any part of me sets up echoes down my spine that go up to the top of my head. Momentary stabbing pain in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like?

Diaphragm tightly burning again. Are these sensations circling?

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Kestrel

Miscellaneous Associated Events

After preparation of essence sun followed me all the way back to the Borders, though there had been a big cloudburst preceding me. On two other occasions the same thing happened – everywhere I went was sunny while there was rain everywhere else around. This also happened to one other prover. (When Alastair McIntosh returned the summit rock to Roineabhal, it was brilliant sunshine.)

Noticed petrol consumption in car for the journey to Govan to make the essence was way less than it should have been for the distance travelled. Mileage registered was correct. Got an extra 60 miles out of that tank (nearly a quarter tank's worth) which has never happened before or since, even deliberately driving at optimum fuel-conservation speeds over longer journeys to test this out. (Later came across legends of Bhrighde telling how everything she touched multiplied.)

For a while before making the essence I took a sudden liking to a particular herbal tea and was drinking quite a lot of it. After about a week of doing so, I suddenly realised the connection. It's called 'Mountains of the Moon'!

[While researching Bhrighde.] Neighbours call round about 5pm. As I'm standing at the door talking to them, a young female kestrel flies in and lands on the lawn down the bottom of the garden. Neighbour says she was about as they came up to the house. They thought she belonged to my next-door neighbour because she was in his garden and didn't seem alarmed when they walked up. She sits there awhile and doesn't seem disturbed by neighbour's daughter going to bounce on the trampoline. She simply moves to the wall. After a while she flies up to the telegraph pole in the next field and sits there as if waiting. Make a cup of tea and talk to neightbour a while. Must have been about 20 minutes before they leave. The kestrel is still waiting on the top of her pole. Go out and stand in front of the house watching her. Ask her if she has something to tell me. Immediately she flies off her pole straight towards me, coming in low, then, not six feet in front of me, swoops up over my head to land on the chimney. Chimney! Bhrighde, goddess of the fire and hearth!

Then she flies over to the back field. I go round to watch her. She sits on the stone wall awhile, about 15 yards away. I call to her, and she flies straight towards me again and sits on a post about 10 feet away. I tell her I am going to get my camera and she obligingly sits there until I do, then lets me take a few photos, getting closer and closer until I'm only about 4 feet from her. Then she flies up to the back chimney and sits on the roof beneath it as if to underline the chimney bit. Then she is away.

[2 months later] Visited by young buzzard with 3 bars of white feathers across its chest which perches on the same pole and again waits there for some time until I go outside and ask if it has something to tell me, at which point it immediately flies to deliver a very clear symbolic message.

[Dec 6-7 2005. The night following the day the Sun went through 14° Sagittarius] Dream. I'm lying in my bed, but the space the bed's in keeps changing. I'm just lying there watching what's going on, not very much involved, though the people in it are aware of my presence. Then my bed is in my ex-partner's house. My son comes into the room and goes outside. I can see him through the window, then the wall of the house disappears and I'm outside too. There's a fish-trap behind the house up the hill. I've never been up there but in the dream it's immediately outside the house and my son is standing beside the burn looking in. I follow his gaze and see a big salmon swimming rapidly downstream towards us and towards a concrete lip across the burn which creates a small dam in the river. He's coming so fast for a moment I think he'll crash right into the concrete, but the fish jumps straight over it into the pool below and makes such a splash I pull my bedsheet up so I don't get soaked. The fish comes right up to the water's edge in front of me and beaches himself. I'm grinning at him delightedly and say hello! entranced that he should come up to me like this and the fish pulls some facial expressions by way of response, though it looks like it's a big effort for him to try to mimic the malleability of a human face. Then he starts to speak. In an Irish accent. I have to strain at first to catch what he says, but manage to pick it up. He delivers his message and then swims off. I turn to my son and say see! you can talk to the animals! (we'd been discussing that recently), but then when I think back to the fish's message again, I realise I can no longer remember it word for word. I'm annoyed with myself for getting distracted, but the substance of the message is that it was warning about an impending reversal.

I woke up from the dream and wondered why the Irish accent? Then realised that in Scotland the animals associated with Bhrighde are the salmon and the snake, but in Ireland, it's only the salmon because there are no snakes in Ireland. So that was like a double underline so there would be no mistaking who the message was from, as if the Sun being at 14° Sagittarius that day wasn't enough. (14° Sagittarius is the degree of the essence's "natal" Ascendent and is characterised by the Sabian Symbol "The ground hog looking for its shadow on Ground-Hog Day, February 2." February 2 is the Celtic festival of Imbolc, the cross-quarter day which is Bhrighde's feast day.)

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© Wendy Howard, November 2005
Homeopathic Provings | Mt Roineabhal Summit Rock Essence | Proving
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